Edit: So I posted this. Lost my nerve. Took it down. I'm still not sure that I want to post this, so I ask that you just keep mean thoughts or comments to yourself as I try to get through the loss of my child. Thank you.
Today I am in mourning for the loss of a child that I'm never going to be able to meet this side of heaven. I've gone quiet on the blog for many reasons, but one main reason is the pregnancy situation which came up in April. I found out I was pregnant in about mid April. We were ecstatic, and it took all I could do not to shout from the rooftops that Micah was going to be a proud big brother. Last time around, I kept thing so quiet. We didn't tell family or friends. This time, I didn't exactly tell everybody in the world, but I couldn't keep completely quiet. There was no Facebook announcement or anything However, I did ask some friends to pray for us because we had an ultrasound back in May that was just off. I don't know how else to describe it. It was just off. Maybe this is because mothers have these gut feelings about their babies.
In early May/late April, I headed to the doctor for an ultrasound. I thought I was about six weeks along, so I should have been able to see something. I've only been pregnant one other time, and I could tell immediately where my baby was on the ultrasound screen. This time? I saw my "womb" with nothing in it. I was alone at the appointment, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears. This was meant to just be the first check up, and it was honestly my "annual" appointment. The fact that I was pregnant very quickly changed the atmosphere of the doctor visit, and I was saddened that C couldn't be there. I was quickly reassured by both the doctor and the ultrasound tech that "your dates could be wrong. Let's schedule an appointment for a month from now so that we can be SURE to see something. You're very early. Sometimes we can't see anything this early."
So for a month, we waited. With each passing day, I began to feel more and more pregnant. Morning sickness followed me. I began to gain some weight. My clothes were getting tighter. I just felt pregnant. This relieved me, and I stopped thinking about this impending doctor appointment.
As June 7th approached this week, I was a bundle of nerves. I went to my aerobics classes as usual. Tuesday or Wednesday night, I had some extremely painful lower cramps after leaving dinner at a friend's house. I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I was scared to death, but cautiously optimistic since I felt SO PREGNANT. Thankfully, my doctor has been honest with me since the start of this process. She did hint that something was a bit off about our ultrasound, yet she didn't scare me enough that I didn't think I'd have my baby.
So here we are at the doc's office late Friday afternoon, and this time Christopher is with me. We are both excited about seeing the baby, and finally are taken back to ultrasound. That's when we realized something was very wrong. I don't have to be a medical professional to read the tech's non-facial expressions. She was quick to say that the doctor needed to look at our results and would be talking to us about the scan.
I knew I had lost my baby at that moment. Or, I knew I was in the process of losing my baby.
Words can't describe how heavy my heart is at this moment and how I'm grieving for the loss of this child. A baby conceived but who didn't develop far enough for us to hear the heart beating. It seems like a cruel joke that my body continued to march on, fully thinking it was pregnant, but when in reality I lost the baby a while ago.
Per my beliefs, a baby is a baby at conception. Which even though I never got to hold, touch, feel, or hear his/her heartbeat, I believe my baby is in Heaven. For whatever reason, the Lord decided to go ahead and call him/her home. I'm not sure how much more I'm going to blog about this. I don't really want to talk about it, but yet...I think my baby deserves mentioning on my blog. This happened, and I loved that baby as much as I love Micah. I'm taking a Facebook break for a while. The pictures of my friends' ultrasounds and pregnancy announcements are too much for me. The pictures of newborns seem to taunt me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but my emotions are still very, very raw. I'm still in the process of the actual miscarriage, so I know that dealing with this loss will take time.
Will you pray for me? I'm hurting so very much. I need prayer.